Red Roof Inn Changes Name to Reflect Its Inadequacies

WASHINGTON DC / CHINATOWN – In DC hotel news, Crapital Hospitality reports that the Red Roof Inn located in Chinatown has recently admitted to changing its name to ‘Red Reject Inn’ to more accurately describe its client base and its accommodations. According to the management team, this change was made to portray honesty and an ethical business attitude. “We care about all of our guests and their expectations” quoted general manager Shirley Ujest. After exploring the property and noticing mold and pest problems, itchy beds, water shortages, and lack of central air Crapital Hospitality asked her if she was sure that’s what she meant. “Let me rephrase my statement, we care about our guests but not enough to make improvements to the facility. We have a crappy clientele and we’re just not motivated to make many changes, so we’ll keep accepting rejects and try to turn a profit.”

One hobo staying at the hotel, known as Fart Simpson, feels insulted by hotel’s name change, but admitted that it does tell the truth about the hotel and its guests. “They’re the only hotel that didn’t care that I was a loser and couldn’t pay much. So, I guess I’ll make do.”

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Georgetown Hotel Continues to Mock and Ignore Guests

WASHINGTON DC / GEORGETOWN – After many meetings and much deliberation, a local Georgetown hotel has decided to stick with its current practices of ignoring, mocking, and laughing at guests and their requests. Kanu Leevus, the front desk and housekeeping supervisor of Hotel Monticello in Georgetown, has been part of ‘the customer is wrong’ culture at the hotel for over 6 years. “Look, it’s not that we’re trying to be super mean – we just like to enjoy ourselves and have a sense of humor.  Sometimes that means that we’ll poke fun of the guests, copycat their responses, and tell them one thing while doing the opposite. If guests cannot appreciate that, oh well” quoted Ms. Leevus.

Crapital Hospitality then asked Ms. Leevus how the employees became a part of this culture. “Our employees learned the skills of disrespecting and insulting customers through various techniques, but our most effective way has to be our training video. It really embodies what we are all about – treating ourselves better than our guests.” She then demanded that we include it in our report, so our readers could truly understand their philosophy. 

Guests have proven to be the biggest nuisance for the hotel staff, who work in a great location in the Georgetown area of DC. Willie Pissof, current concierge at the property, feels that it is a simple misunderstanding of expectations between guests and staff. “We’re here to have fun, joke around, and do what we want – not what the guest wants. They’re here to get good accommodations and service – those two things don’t always match up.”

He also said that management was currently looking for a new slogan for the hotel. They have used this absurd list of 16 awesomely sarcastic (and sometimes true) phrases to make their decision easier.  

Mexican restaurant adds 'Indigestion Free' menu

WASHINGTON DC / DOWNTOWN – Due to the recent complaints of customers feeling a ‘food coma’ coupled with indigestion, one DC franchise of Chipotle Mexican Grill is adding an ‘Indigestion Free’ menu to satisfy customer needs, reports Crapital Hospitality. “Our customers absolutely love our food and we do not have many complaints about quality and store facilities,” said Jose Quervoe, manager of the restaurant on the corner of 19^th and L.  “However, some people say that Chipotle, as well as other Mexican eateries, simply hurts their bowels… It’s news to me” he later quoted. The restaurant is known for its burritos, chips and guacamole, salads, and tacos, but has given guests digestion problems for years.

With this in mind, the DC restaurant is slowly adding items to its ‘Indigestion Free’ menu.  Water is the main item (and its currently free) as well as a fusion Pepto/sour cream concoction, which looks similar to this.  The research and development team is currently working on other items to integrate to the menu.

Repeat customer Johan Keissler had this to say about the hospitable news, “I’m thrilled that they are doing more to help the severe mudd-butt problem that comes from eating Chipotle. They use the slogan ‘food with integrity’ on their website, and I hope with the new menu my intestines can keep their integrity.”  This still doesn’t cover all of the side effects from eating Chipotle, but other solutions have already been found, like Chipotlaway (start watching video at 0:41).

This new venture seems like a winning idea, but the Mexican food industry is unpredictable, just like their customers’ bowels. Crapital Hospitality asked Keissler if he would stop eating Chipotle if the new menu didn’t help him. His reply, “Dude, have you had Chipotle? It’s really good.”