Crazy Hobo has Overdose from DC Cheeseburger Hotspot

WASHINGTON DC / GW – In recent hospitality news, a local hobo known as Drunken Darius, discovered a local burger joint, Lindy’s Red Lion, and then mayhem occurred as he stole food and eventually went into a food coma from the deliciousness of the burger. A Crapital Hospitality reporter was taking a lunch break on GW’s campus when he discovered Darius, scrounging through the trash for food. Lindy’s is a popular burger and bar food spot that offers take-out and sit down service. More information about Lindy’s Red Lion can be found on  
DC Eats Cheap, a local DC food blog.

Darius was offered a free lunch from Crapital Hospitality, however he denied the food because “the owner gave him the stink-eye”.  Drunken Darius was amazed at the smells within the restaurant and even jumped the counter staring at the gelato display for a solid 10 minutes.

After seeing Crapital Hospitality enjoying a giant double cheeseburger, Darius(pictured on the right) lost his cool and attacked the owner, Jimbo E.

After the fight, Darius was determined to eat. He pulled his pants down, distracting and disgusting a female customer. He then stole her food and sprinted away. Crapital Hospitality followed Darius and tracked him down to a corner of a building where he was crouched over in the fetal position. “It hurts so good, It hurts so good…” Drunken Darius kept mumbling as he suffered through a cheeseburger overdose and food coma.

A picture says a thousand words and we leave you with this image of Drunken Darius.

Tourists Forced to Sleep in DC Metrorail

WASHINGTON DC / BLUE AND ORANGE LINE – In recent hospitality news, Destination DC, Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA), and DC hotels have worked together to ‘walk’ guests to the Metro, because every single room in the nation’s crapital is sold out. “Hey bro, the freaking Cherry Blossoms are out, Obama is doing political stuff, and it’s sundress season – people want to be in DC. I’m not surprised that we don’t have any rooms left for stupid tourists,” Destination DC boss-man Benjamin “Chilly” Bowl told Crapital Hospitality.  For the last two weeks, stops on the blue and orange Metro lines from Foggy Bottom to Eastern Market have been used to accommodate over 7500 guests. Guests, such as this one pictured below, have slept on the station benches, on the platforms, and even in the metro cars. 

“We take the phrase ‘metro opens doors’ very seriously and in this situation, literally” quoted WMATA customer service liaison and uber Metro enthusiast Kirsti Kissass. “We revel in the opportunity to open our doors to allow tourists to stay in the Metro ... as long as they’re not regular homeless people. We don’t like them, they smell.”  

GW Hotel Hires Infants and Homeless to Management Team

WASHINGTON DC / GW – The State Plaza Hotel, located on Eye Street near GW, has recently hired a homeless man and an infant as managers, in an effort to cut costs and improve productivity, reports Crapital Hospitality.  State Plaza Hotel had been having operational trouble, specifically in revenue management and concierge duties. Hence the hires of new front desk manager Ineeda Dolla, an area homeless man, and new revenue manager Pearl, a two year old little girl. This may seem like strangely funny news for the hospitality industry, but it’s the State Plaza Hotel who is laughing; their revenues are up and costs are down by 25%.

Mr. Dolla has recently removed phone wakeup calls and morning deliveries, replacing them with personal room visits. “If a guest needs a wake-up call, I use my manager’s key and go into their room and yell, ‘Hey, wake yo ass up!’ “ quoted Mr. Dolla. “Once they are awake, I’ll just scream at them the headlines for the day – boom you got your news. No need for a paper.”

Pearl, also known as The Landlord Enforcer, has also employed a door-to-door technique but has used it to try to collect payment from guests. Revenues have increase, however, some guests have been frightened by her domineering nature. One long-stay guest, William Ferrell, showed us this clip of her collection tactics. "She called me an asshole - I was so hurt"

DC Nightclub Finally Allows Guests to Breathe

WASHINGTON DC / CAPITOL HILL – In recent night club and hospitality news, Fur Nightclub has announced that they will be putting policies in place to allow basic bodily functions such as breathing, moving, and possibly speaking at a normal level.  Fur, which is located in the Capital Hill part of DC, is known as one of the best clubs in DC and features 7 bars, 4 separate dance rooms, bottle service, and hookah.

“We’ve been an extremely popular club and hospitality establishment, but its gotten to the point where the club is just way to crowded” quoted club owner Techno Tommy.  “We’ve been hearing this problem from other clubs as well. People simply can’t do anything inside – it’s too loud, you can’t talk to anybody, you can’t move, and breathing is a luxury.” Fur will start to implement a program that will allow people to actually function as they would in normal life while inside a nightclub. Fur is a profitable venue, but can this new policy make them the best?

Crapital Hospitality also wanted to know if Fur’s new guest-friendly program would include things like lowering outrageous drink prices, installing working bathrooms, and removing creepers from the club. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here,” said Techno Tommy. “We want people to still have a true club experience, and sometimes that includes being slightly groped by a stranger.”

Steroid Scandal Erupts Over Bar's Buffalo Wings

WASHINGTON DC / FOGGY BOTTOM – In local DC bar news, Crapital Hospitality has uncovered that Marshall’s Bar and Grille has been injecting its popular wings with anabolic steroids such as HGH, testosterone, ‘the cream’, and ‘the clear’ for several years in order to offer the biggest and best wings to its customers. This information comes after months of undercover work, including random drug testing of the wings known as the ‘biggest and best of the district’.  The wings, pictured below, are Marshall’s top selling food item. 

“These allegations are completely false and outrageous,” claimed Marshall’s owner Needa Nujob. “Our wings are big, but they are all natural and always have been.”

Crapital Hospitality asked other area bars and restaurants about what they thought of the allegations. One of the managers from a competing DC bar and grill, who chose to remain anonymous, had this to say: “Look, we are not involved with food doping. But throughout the industry, food doping is the norm. This is especially true when it comes to wings, chicken tenders, burgers, and mozzarella sticks.”

While this news does hurt the DC hospitality sector, it will not go without further action. The Better Business Bureau (BBB) was recently alerted and will be doing a full-scale investigation. “We take food doping very seriously,” quoted Sammy Davis Sr., the chairman of the Better Bar Bites sub-committee of the BBB. “Some restaurants are given an advantage by giving steroids to their food – this is bad for the food and beverage business and in the end hurts the customer. This situation needs to be monitored closely and punishment will be levied if any establishment is found to be guilty”.

Red Roof Inn Changes Name to Reflect Its Inadequacies

WASHINGTON DC / CHINATOWN – In DC hotel news, Crapital Hospitality reports that the Red Roof Inn located in Chinatown has recently admitted to changing its name to ‘Red Reject Inn’ to more accurately describe its client base and its accommodations. According to the management team, this change was made to portray honesty and an ethical business attitude. “We care about all of our guests and their expectations” quoted general manager Shirley Ujest. After exploring the property and noticing mold and pest problems, itchy beds, water shortages, and lack of central air Crapital Hospitality asked her if she was sure that’s what she meant. “Let me rephrase my statement, we care about our guests but not enough to make improvements to the facility. We have a crappy clientele and we’re just not motivated to make many changes, so we’ll keep accepting rejects and try to turn a profit.”

One hobo staying at the hotel, known as Fart Simpson, feels insulted by hotel’s name change, but admitted that it does tell the truth about the hotel and its guests. “They’re the only hotel that didn’t care that I was a loser and couldn’t pay much. So, I guess I’ll make do.”

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Georgetown Hotel Continues to Mock and Ignore Guests

WASHINGTON DC / GEORGETOWN – After many meetings and much deliberation, a local Georgetown hotel has decided to stick with its current practices of ignoring, mocking, and laughing at guests and their requests. Kanu Leevus, the front desk and housekeeping supervisor of Hotel Monticello in Georgetown, has been part of ‘the customer is wrong’ culture at the hotel for over 6 years. “Look, it’s not that we’re trying to be super mean – we just like to enjoy ourselves and have a sense of humor.  Sometimes that means that we’ll poke fun of the guests, copycat their responses, and tell them one thing while doing the opposite. If guests cannot appreciate that, oh well” quoted Ms. Leevus.

Crapital Hospitality then asked Ms. Leevus how the employees became a part of this culture. “Our employees learned the skills of disrespecting and insulting customers through various techniques, but our most effective way has to be our training video. It really embodies what we are all about – treating ourselves better than our guests.” She then demanded that we include it in our report, so our readers could truly understand their philosophy. 

Guests have proven to be the biggest nuisance for the hotel staff, who work in a great location in the Georgetown area of DC. Willie Pissof, current concierge at the property, feels that it is a simple misunderstanding of expectations between guests and staff. “We’re here to have fun, joke around, and do what we want – not what the guest wants. They’re here to get good accommodations and service – those two things don’t always match up.”

He also said that management was currently looking for a new slogan for the hotel. They have used this absurd list of 16 awesomely sarcastic (and sometimes true) phrases to make their decision easier.  

Mexican restaurant adds 'Indigestion Free' menu

WASHINGTON DC / DOWNTOWN – Due to the recent complaints of customers feeling a ‘food coma’ coupled with indigestion, one DC franchise of Chipotle Mexican Grill is adding an ‘Indigestion Free’ menu to satisfy customer needs, reports Crapital Hospitality. “Our customers absolutely love our food and we do not have many complaints about quality and store facilities,” said Jose Quervoe, manager of the restaurant on the corner of 19^th and L.  “However, some people say that Chipotle, as well as other Mexican eateries, simply hurts their bowels… It’s news to me” he later quoted. The restaurant is known for its burritos, chips and guacamole, salads, and tacos, but has given guests digestion problems for years.

With this in mind, the DC restaurant is slowly adding items to its ‘Indigestion Free’ menu.  Water is the main item (and its currently free) as well as a fusion Pepto/sour cream concoction, which looks similar to this.  The research and development team is currently working on other items to integrate to the menu.

Repeat customer Johan Keissler had this to say about the hospitable news, “I’m thrilled that they are doing more to help the severe mudd-butt problem that comes from eating Chipotle. They use the slogan ‘food with integrity’ on their website, and I hope with the new menu my intestines can keep their integrity.”  This still doesn’t cover all of the side effects from eating Chipotle, but other solutions have already been found, like Chipotlaway (start watching video at 0:41).

This new venture seems like a winning idea, but the Mexican food industry is unpredictable, just like their customers’ bowels. Crapital Hospitality asked Keissler if he would stop eating Chipotle if the new menu didn’t help him. His reply, “Dude, have you had Chipotle? It’s really good.”