Crazy Hobo has Overdose from DC Cheeseburger Hotspot

WASHINGTON DC / GW – In recent hospitality news, a local hobo known as Drunken Darius, discovered a local burger joint, Lindy’s Red Lion, and then mayhem occurred as he stole food and eventually went into a food coma from the deliciousness of the burger. A Crapital Hospitality reporter was taking a lunch break on GW’s campus when he discovered Darius, scrounging through the trash for food. Lindy’s is a popular burger and bar food spot that offers take-out and sit down service. More information about Lindy’s Red Lion can be found on  
DC Eats Cheap, a local DC food blog.

Darius was offered a free lunch from Crapital Hospitality, however he denied the food because “the owner gave him the stink-eye”.  Drunken Darius was amazed at the smells within the restaurant and even jumped the counter staring at the gelato display for a solid 10 minutes.

After seeing Crapital Hospitality enjoying a giant double cheeseburger, Darius(pictured on the right) lost his cool and attacked the owner, Jimbo E.

After the fight, Darius was determined to eat. He pulled his pants down, distracting and disgusting a female customer. He then stole her food and sprinted away. Crapital Hospitality followed Darius and tracked him down to a corner of a building where he was crouched over in the fetal position. “It hurts so good, It hurts so good…” Drunken Darius kept mumbling as he suffered through a cheeseburger overdose and food coma.

A picture says a thousand words and we leave you with this image of Drunken Darius.

Tourists Forced to Sleep in DC Metrorail

WASHINGTON DC / BLUE AND ORANGE LINE – In recent hospitality news, Destination DC, Washington Metro Area Transit Authority (WMATA), and DC hotels have worked together to ‘walk’ guests to the Metro, because every single room in the nation’s crapital is sold out. “Hey bro, the freaking Cherry Blossoms are out, Obama is doing political stuff, and it’s sundress season – people want to be in DC. I’m not surprised that we don’t have any rooms left for stupid tourists,” Destination DC boss-man Benjamin “Chilly” Bowl told Crapital Hospitality.  For the last two weeks, stops on the blue and orange Metro lines from Foggy Bottom to Eastern Market have been used to accommodate over 7500 guests. Guests, such as this one pictured below, have slept on the station benches, on the platforms, and even in the metro cars. 

“We take the phrase ‘metro opens doors’ very seriously and in this situation, literally” quoted WMATA customer service liaison and uber Metro enthusiast Kirsti Kissass. “We revel in the opportunity to open our doors to allow tourists to stay in the Metro ... as long as they’re not regular homeless people. We don’t like them, they smell.”  

GW Hotel Hires Infants and Homeless to Management Team

WASHINGTON DC / GW – The State Plaza Hotel, located on Eye Street near GW, has recently hired a homeless man and an infant as managers, in an effort to cut costs and improve productivity, reports Crapital Hospitality.  State Plaza Hotel had been having operational trouble, specifically in revenue management and concierge duties. Hence the hires of new front desk manager Ineeda Dolla, an area homeless man, and new revenue manager Pearl, a two year old little girl. This may seem like strangely funny news for the hospitality industry, but it’s the State Plaza Hotel who is laughing; their revenues are up and costs are down by 25%.

Mr. Dolla has recently removed phone wakeup calls and morning deliveries, replacing them with personal room visits. “If a guest needs a wake-up call, I use my manager’s key and go into their room and yell, ‘Hey, wake yo ass up!’ “ quoted Mr. Dolla. “Once they are awake, I’ll just scream at them the headlines for the day – boom you got your news. No need for a paper.”

Pearl, also known as The Landlord Enforcer, has also employed a door-to-door technique but has used it to try to collect payment from guests. Revenues have increase, however, some guests have been frightened by her domineering nature. One long-stay guest, William Ferrell, showed us this clip of her collection tactics. "She called me an asshole - I was so hurt"

DC Nightclub Finally Allows Guests to Breathe

WASHINGTON DC / CAPITOL HILL – In recent night club and hospitality news, Fur Nightclub has announced that they will be putting policies in place to allow basic bodily functions such as breathing, moving, and possibly speaking at a normal level.  Fur, which is located in the Capital Hill part of DC, is known as one of the best clubs in DC and features 7 bars, 4 separate dance rooms, bottle service, and hookah.

“We’ve been an extremely popular club and hospitality establishment, but its gotten to the point where the club is just way to crowded” quoted club owner Techno Tommy.  “We’ve been hearing this problem from other clubs as well. People simply can’t do anything inside – it’s too loud, you can’t talk to anybody, you can’t move, and breathing is a luxury.” Fur will start to implement a program that will allow people to actually function as they would in normal life while inside a nightclub. Fur is a profitable venue, but can this new policy make them the best?

Crapital Hospitality also wanted to know if Fur’s new guest-friendly program would include things like lowering outrageous drink prices, installing working bathrooms, and removing creepers from the club. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here,” said Techno Tommy. “We want people to still have a true club experience, and sometimes that includes being slightly groped by a stranger.”

Steroid Scandal Erupts Over Bar's Buffalo Wings

WASHINGTON DC / FOGGY BOTTOM – In local DC bar news, Crapital Hospitality has uncovered that Marshall’s Bar and Grille has been injecting its popular wings with anabolic steroids such as HGH, testosterone, ‘the cream’, and ‘the clear’ for several years in order to offer the biggest and best wings to its customers. This information comes after months of undercover work, including random drug testing of the wings known as the ‘biggest and best of the district’.  The wings, pictured below, are Marshall’s top selling food item. 

“These allegations are completely false and outrageous,” claimed Marshall’s owner Needa Nujob. “Our wings are big, but they are all natural and always have been.”

Crapital Hospitality asked other area bars and restaurants about what they thought of the allegations. One of the managers from a competing DC bar and grill, who chose to remain anonymous, had this to say: “Look, we are not involved with food doping. But throughout the industry, food doping is the norm. This is especially true when it comes to wings, chicken tenders, burgers, and mozzarella sticks.”

While this news does hurt the DC hospitality sector, it will not go without further action. The Better Business Bureau (BBB) was recently alerted and will be doing a full-scale investigation. “We take food doping very seriously,” quoted Sammy Davis Sr., the chairman of the Better Bar Bites sub-committee of the BBB. “Some restaurants are given an advantage by giving steroids to their food – this is bad for the food and beverage business and in the end hurts the customer. This situation needs to be monitored closely and punishment will be levied if any establishment is found to be guilty”.